When I was nine my grandfather molested me. As far as I can remember it was only one time and it was in the backseat of my parents car. I don’t recall what we were doing. I only remember that my grandfather pushed his fingers inside my young yoni. I was surprised by it and truth be known, it didn’t feel unpleasant. However, it violated a trust and struck me to the core of my being. I haven’t been able to fully trust another person ever since.
It is a terrible thing to lose trust. There is always this need to be vulnerable and yet there is the niggling feeling that to do so would be detrimental somehow. It has affected every relationship I have had.
I’m not here to lament what happened. The past is the past and I forgave him long ago. Once I learned that to not forgive was hurting me and not him, I just had to let it go. Even so, the effects of that violation have haunted me. It’s time to get real. It’s time to let it all go once and for all.
The Universe has brought into my life a most splendid man. He touches my soul like no other has ever done before. And I am ruining it! I am allowing the past to poison what started off as such a lovely connection. I am allowing my programming about sex and religion to destroy one of the most poignant connections I have encountered. And so here I am, getting real with myself, baring my all for others to see. Being vulnerable.
The thing is, I like being vulnerable. I truly enjoy soul connections. I am open to love, once you get past the sentry to my heart, that is:) I fully understand that we are sexual creatures and there is tremendous energy & power in our sexuality.
I have been delving into all things spiritual the past couple of years. I allowed a particularly heinous relationship almost be the literal death of me. How I must have despised myself and felt unworthy to have allowed such treatment! Ever the scientist, I have explored all of the reasons I allowed this relationship. In the end I realized I simply didn’t love ME enough. I have been working on that intensely for the past year or so.
For awhile I let myself be bogged down by the “why” of it. Why did I not love me? What events caused me to lose that love. On and on I searched until I finally realized that the ‘why’ of it is really not that important. What IS important is that I begin to love myself again. That is exactly what I have been doing, too. I am teaching myself to love me just the way I am. Not the way I want to be…a few pounds lighter, healthier, richer, happier. I have come to accept me as I am and I truly do love me.
I have discovered that the only way to live the life I want and to be the person I want to be is to love me in all of my flaws and weakness as well as my strengths and beauty. I Am Love. I know this deep in my soul. Now to get my ego and past programming out of the way so I can enjoy this perfectly lovely relationship with my new lover.
Fear is a great motivator. Sometimes fear paralyses us into inaction, however, sometimes it is the thing that propels us into greater experiences of life. That is where I am today. I do not want to lose this connection. I do not want to destroy what has proven thus far to be one of the most enlightening connections of my Five decades of life. I want to Be In The Moment. As Dan Millman wrote in The Way of the Peaceful Warrior, “What Time Is It? NOW. That is what time it is.
I almost lost my opportunity for the greatest growth spurt of my spiritual life because I was afraid of being vulnerable and afraid of trusting too much. I cannot allow fear of being hurt to keep me from him.
I am open to you my love. I will trust you as you ask. Teach me the secrets I know you have for me. I am oh so ready for your power & energy…oh so very very ready.