Dude Hits it Right on The Head (nail head that is)

Sex 3.0

I’m reading JJ Robert’s book, Sex 3.0 – A Sexual Revolution Manual. I listened to his videos. There are five and they are only 10 minutes each. Once I started watched the first one, I was hooked! He most definitely had me at hello.

I write alot about sex. I write about it because there is so  much misconception about an act that is truly as natural as eating, drinking and sleeping. There is so much mystery and taboo shrouding the topic. As a child of the Sexual Revolution of the 60’s & 70’s, I was intrigued by JJ’s title. What??? There’s yet another revolution? After reading JJ’s book, I’m inclined to think we merely started the revolution decades ago and now we are actually in the throes of said revolution.

I like being on the cutting edge. If there’s a new restaurant in town, I’m one of the first to eat there. If there is a road as yet untraveled in my city, you can bet I’ll be going down it. New software? Yep I need that:) However, I am also a traditionalist in some ways and I hold on to things that have long passed their usefulness. That is what the whole marriage paradigm had been for me until I realized one day that I simply do not believe in marriage any longer and haven’t since my last divorce over 15 years ago. I’m not jaded. I’m not cynical. I am most definitely a realist and from what I see all around me, most people don’t really hold to the sanctity of marriage any longer either. Have you seen the divorce rate stats lately? And how about the number of co-habitating couples? There’s a new way to do relationships and it is a return to the way things were before man laid claim to women as their “Property”.

In JJ’s book & videos he discusses Sex 1.0, 2.0, and finally 3.0. He speaks about the evolution of relationships. I encourage everyone to read his book and watch his videos. Very enlightening. His topic is one I have been researching myself for the past few years. Not on the grand scale that he did, but researching nonetheless. There are several groups on facebook dealing with sexuality. There is the Jujumama crowd and they were just a bit too forceful in their tactics for me. I felt like their philosophy was being shoved down my throat by their leader. Maybe it’s because she seems to be more in a yang energy than I enjoy. And there are many many Tantra groups. Most of those groups didn’t address what I was looking for either.  JJ on the other hand has articulated the essence of my thinking and he has done it quite well.

It wasn’t as easy for me to leave the 2.0 paradigm as I had wanted it to be. Even now I struggle with possessiveness & jealousy. I do, however, see those two demons becoming a thing of the past much sooner than previously expected. And that is a good thing.

I really do enjoy living in relationships that do not have fences. I love the freedom. Mr. Current Lover once told me that I am the frees-est person he knows. I’m happy he thinks so 🙂

Women Experience Sexual Frustration, Too

As we enter into the twenty-first century, gender norms and attitudes towards how men and women should behave are changing for the better. In most cases we’ve done away with rigid stereotypes that dictate how a man or a woman should behave. We’ve learned to see masculinity and femininity as fluid characteristics, that don’t necessarily correspond to gender. In the same vein of thinking, sexual frustration is no longer something that only affects men. Women are now free to express their sexual needs in order to prevent feelings of sexual frustration.

Throughout history, women have been taught to stifle their sense of sexuality in order to appear respectable, pure, and desirable in a man’s eyes. For women this meant resisting sex when it was offered and never expressing an outright desire to have sex. It was considered unthinkable that a woman would experience sexual frustration, because sex was always centered around the male. Men had ‘uncontrollable’ sexual urges and it was a woman’s fault if she tempted a man into action. Today, there is still something of a misconception that men have greater libidos and sex drives as compared to women.

Your sex drive is affected by a number of factors. Firstly, there are hormones circulating in your body that determine how you feel, sexually. For women, hormone levels fluctuate along with the menstrual cycle. Therefore, how amorous a woman feels at any given time depends on where she is in her cycle.

Of course, there are other factors that can greatly affect libido, especially for women. Emotionally traumatic events, such as the death of someone close to you, a particularly nasty breakup, or stress at work can all have serve to dampen or light your sense of sexual desire. In addition, mood disorders such as depression or bipolar disorder can also cause both increases and decreases in libido. Another fairly obvious factor in determining libido or sexual desire is how connected the woman feels to the person she is sexual with. There are a great number of things that can affect a woman’s desire for sex.

Sexual frustration can occur in conjunction with any of the aforementioned lifestyle changes. The change might be totally obvious, or it might be difficult to recognize why you feel the way you do. It might be difficult to communicate the change to your partner, if you have a certain routine. Perhaps you want sex more and your partner isn’t interested in increasing frequency. If that’s the case, you’re likely to experience some sexual frustration.

If that is the case the best thing to do is discuss how you feel with your partner. We are lucky to live in an era where it is okay

for women to express their sexual needs. Sexual frustration can be addressed through honest discussions that don’t center on rigid gender roles, such as what a woman should feel or what a man should feel. Being honest and open is the best way to address a problem if you have one. If you want to feel sexually satisfied, the best thing to do is have a conversation about your needs.

In addition to communication with your partner, energy healing methods such as Chakra Healing can dramatically improve your sex life by getting to the root of the issue and eliminating the cause of the problem.





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“To have Eros open our eyes to the subtle plane, therefore, is intrinsically a chaotic and disorienting event. We are pulled both ways simultaneously: irresistibly inward toward unity and in panic outward from the threat of annihilation. No wonder we prefer to keep our eyes closed to the mysteries of Eros. In comparison, the survival struggle of the persona field is tame. It is far easier to believe that sexual attraction represents nothing more than the urge to procreate — the ultimate “social cement.” For as long as we see our sexual urge as purely horizontal in its intentions, we can remain quietly ignorant of the vertical dimension of sexuality and its potential as a dizzying and dangerous ladder of ascent. Indeed, the pursuit of orgasm may be the surest way to avoid Eros, for Eros appears only in the tension between the lure of union and the terror of annihilation. ” ~ anon

Another Way To Make Love

There’s nothing new about hooking up. As a sexual-revolutionary, I practically lived on the Relationship Roller Coaster. Little did I know that biology was arranging every ride. Like many, I believed I just hadn’t found “Mr. Right,” even after I married and divorced. As it turned out, the issue wasn’t so much who as how.

I started to connect the dots in my thirties, when I experimented with a little known sacred sex technique — and learned something unexpected. The technique calls for generous affection and relaxed intercourse. Instead of climaxing, lovers keep melting into a sort of sexual meditation until they feel completely satisfied. Over thousands of years, people have rediscovered this approach, so it goes by various names: angelic dual cultivation, le jazer (cortezia), karezza, the reserved embrace (amplexus reservatus), and so forth. (More in future posts.)

The “avoid orgasm” element seemed peculiar, but as much as I loved orgasm, I was ready to try anything that promised greater harmony. I was expending far too much time and energy angsting over my love life.

Early results were mixed. As long as a lover and I stayed with the practice, we experienced growing harmony and deeper intimacy. But it was really easy to drop back into hot foreplay and orgasm. At first, the resulting pattern was almost too subtle to identify, but after a while it became exasperatingly predictable. During the days and weeks after a passion bout, the spark faded. Arguments arose. So did a need for space. Both the drive to “fix” the tension with more hot sex, and the drive to “fix” each other, reached gale force. I thought, “If only he would….” He saw me differently, too. Eventually the relationship would crater, and I would start anew with increased determination.

Very slowly I learned the wisdom of steering around orgasm during intercourse. The benefits? Some showed up in the bedroom, but many showed up elsewhere. We looked cuter — at least to each other. We stopped bickering over nonsense. We both felt sexually satisfied, with no sexual performance issues. We lost our need for “space.” Arguments about “not doing enough” or “not giving enough” stopped. Communication struggles evaporated. We wanted to be together even after our honeymoon neurochemistry wore off.

At some point during this learning curve, my husband joined the quest. We’ve been playing with this approach to lovemaking for eight years now. It’s different, but lighthearted and affectionate. We laugh a lot. We find each other adorable. In fact, we’re so hooked on harmony that we actually resent it a bit when orgasm does sneak up on us.

So how can sex affect lovers’ outlooks? Esoteric talk about conserving sexual energy didn’t satisfy my physiology-teaching husband, who delved into the dark corners of scientific journals. The evidence pointed to a primitive program related to an ancient part of the brain common to all mammals (limbic brain). Chemical messengers produce an “I’m done!” feeling after a night of passionate sex. The result is a strong, yet subconscious, signal. It says, “Mission accomplished!” And, often, “Who’s next?”

Comedian Bill Maher summed it up:

Forget breast implants. It’s never about big or little, or short or tall, or blonde or brunette. It’s only about “old” and “new.” Hugh Grant had Elizabeth Hurley at home, and he wanted Marvin Hagler in a wig.

Like it or not, sexual satiety leads to declining attraction–and the tendency to find novel mates especially alluring. Scientists call this the Coolidge Effect. Consider this experiment. Researchers took a group of monkeys and fixed the females so that they were always in the mood (with daily hormones). Monkey heaven, right?

Not so much. Over the next 3.5 years the males copulated with declining frequency and enthusiasm. Scientists then replaced the females with different females (also on hormones). The males snapped right back to their initial zest and frequency…at least for a bit. Mother Nature doesn’t like unfertilized females.

The Coolidge Effect has shown up in all the mammals tested for it, even in females. It’s hard to spot at the beginning of a relationship, thanks to the effects of powerful, alas temporary, honeymoon neurochemistry. But it lurks there, creating tension with our romantic inclinations.

While it may seem cruel, there’s a kind of biological logic to this tension between mating impulses and pair-bonding longings; it ensures that we bond (on average) for long enough to fall in love with our child (who benefits from two caregivers)–before becoming restless. This arrangement serves our genes’ objectives of more offspring with more diversity among them.

It may not serve us, however. Affectionate touch and close trusted companionship are excellent health insurance. Not only that, when researchers look at which factors statistically predict human happiness, “harmonious pair-bond” tops the list.

Perhaps this is why we earthlings keep rediscoving this practice of frequent, gentle intercourse which side-steps sexual satiety. It’s like learning to diet by eating smarter, rather than struggling to eat less. As my husband says, “my limbic brain stays enchanted because I don’t attempt to fertilize you.”

We’ve replaced biology’s spell with our own.

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Sexual Freedom Vs. Promiscuity

Posted on December 14, 2010 by Tinamarie Bernard

Sexual Freedom Vs. Promiscuity

From a spiritual perspective, sexuality is more than just opening our bedroom to a variety of experiences, partners and practices. Specifically, total sexual freedom – the idea that we can love and be loved in ways that don’t fit neatly in a normative box – is different from indiscriminate sexual contacts.

From the outside looking in, this might be confused with promiscuity, but only if we view sex as a physical union.

I’ve come to believe that promiscuity feeds into and manifests fears, limitations and restrictions, whereas sexual freedom is all about courage. Let me explain.

First of all, fear is a great teacher. And what we fear most about love and sexuality (or anything in life for that matter) is where we have serious growing to do. Fear that isn’t dealt with can wreck havoc on love of self and love of other. It also interferes with our ability to be conscious in our ‘love – making’ decisions.

The more we face our fears about love and sexuality and the more we push unnatural and harmful boundaries, the more we paradoxically have less to be afraid of. Our sexual choices become more authentic, unfettered by useless social constructs, prejudices or shame.

The natural outcrop of this is that we come to accept that one “form of relationship is [not] necessarily more enlightened than the other, because ultimately it is how we grow from our experiences that determine transcendence,” writes Robert Silber of ConsciousSensuality.com. When we make love from a conscious place, we choose lovers and experiences that reflect our most authentic selves, and challenge us to grow sexually and otherwise.

For example, someone who is serially monogamous might suddenly find himself or herself invited into a new paradigm of sharing love. Others may grabble with pelvic pain, anorgasmia or bi-curiosity. Yet others may discover that for them sacred sexuality requires a period of abstinence.

The point is that we all have boundaries – not all of them are bad, and we do have to acknowledge that an learn to differentiate between those that serve a good purpose, and those that don’t – and some of them need to be explored if we want to become more enlightened lovers, or heal sexual wounds, or tune in to our deepest needs.

And yet, according to Silber, few people give themselves the sexual freedom they need to, “so they continue to make agreements that cause repression, dishonesty and distance. Often the agreements that are sought and demanded of lovers reflect unrealized desires we are projecting onto our lovers.”

The result of allowing fear to dictate our choices is that eventually we end up violating those sexual agreements that don’t line up with our soul’s desires. The results of acting from a place not grounded in love are behaviors such as promiscuity, infidelity, sexual dysfunction and abuse.

On the other hand, since total sexual freedom it is rooted in courage, our sexual experiences can be extraordinarily blissful, honest, and dynamic. Silber points out that such an approach means we also have to allow, “that no one will be your lover or that many people will judge you because they envy your power and courage. They will seek to enroll you in their conspiracy of fear and call it altruism.”

Courage isn’t the absence of fear – it’s simply doing what you must despite any panic you might feel. Otto Rank, a student and colleague of Freud’s, said that people vacillate between the Fear of Living and the Fear of Dying. Modern Love imagines, as a student remember, that sacred sexuality is the ultimate path of the sexual warrior; it pushes us gently towards all our uncertainties, demands that we are fully present and alive in the moment, and asks us to see the grand design, purpose and ecstasy in all our intimate encounters.


Hm Samarel is an Israeli-born graphic artist whose sensual works can be seen at http://www.samareleroticart.com

This article originally appeared on Fearlesspress.com as part of the Tantra Tuesday series.  All articles ©2010 by Tinamarie Bernard; PARTIAL reposts permitted with link back to original article. All other rights reserved.