I recently re-looked at one of the many values/personality/skills tests I often take. It seems I am on a continuous quest to understand who I am. However, I am finding that it is not I whom I want to understand. I want to be UNDERSTOOD! And I want to understand others.
Not long ago I went through a romantic relationship break-up. I am the one who broke it off and yet it seems I am the one having trouble letting it go. I don’t like that part of me. I know why I ended it. I wasn’t happy. I felt taken for granted. I had to beg for sex, for crying out loud!!! We had a quasi-polyamorous relationship. I say quasi because he is in a committed relationship with someone and I have other lovers and he knows about them and they know about him. I am a huge proponent of No Secrets! She, however, pretends I do not exist most of the time. Of course there are the times when our relationship is put before her. She goes through his phone and sees that we still talk. Then there is the ensuing flurry of hate-filled phone calls and texts from her until he persuades her to stop. Then it’s back to business as usual. This has been going on for almost 2 ½ years and became excruciatingly tiresome.
He lies. He lies to both of us about a myriad of things. His last foray into the Liar Kingdom was simply the straw that broke the camels’ back for me. And so, I ended it and I didn’t do it gracefully. I stumbled like a clumsy oaf through it all; the proverbial bull in a china shop. How appropriate since I am a Taurus after all. It was acrimonious and so ugly! I am embarrassed by the way I handled the whole thing. I wish I could take it back and behave how I really feel in my heart and not allow my ego to have full reign. Alas, I cannot so I dissect the crap out of what I did and didn’t do and try, ever so valiantly, to NOT beat myself up.
As I dissect, I try to understand my motives. That is what has led me to read the book I am reading by Don Miguel Ruiz, “The Mastery of Love, A Practical Guide to the Art of Relationship”. Perhaps you have read one of his previous works, The Four Agreements, an excellent missive of Toltec wisdom. I often refer to it, especially when troubled by a personal event, such as this current break-up. The first agreement, Be Impeccable with Your Word, has been coming up quite often recently; not only with my lover, but with my former roommate & his brother. Apparently it is something I need refreshed in my own life and that is why it continues to come up. The simple way of saying this is, “Do What You Say You Are Going to Do”. An online personality, Danielle LaPorte, has also been putting this out there. My father taught me this principle as a young child and he reiterated it quite often through my life. He was a person whose “word” you could take to the bank, as the saying goes. My father taught me to detest lying and the lying liars who tell them. The thing is we all lie at some point for a host of reasons; most of which are just to save face so we won’t be embarrassed. Be Impeccable With Your Word.
Was I not in my past relationship? Am I not in life? The Word. Very powerful stuff, that. The Bible tells us that God created all of creation with just that…His Word. In the New Testament Jesus is spoken of as The Word…In the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God and The Word is God. (paraphrased from John 1:1) Yes indeed, our words create the world in which we live. Many people will say it is the Vibration of our thoughts that create the world we live in, but I believe our words are just as powerful as our thoughts, our feelings, & our vibrations. People have no clue what we are thinking until we speak. They can guess, they can surmise, & they can assume, but until you actually speak, we’re all fumbling in the dark.
I am thinking I was totally impeccable with my word with my lover. I tried to be on most occasions, however, I sometimes held back. I didn’t fully speak my mind out of fear I wouldn’t be understood. Did he ever really know what I was talking about? He once told me that conversation with me was almost as good as the sex we shared…almost. I wonder if he truly knew how much that affected my feelings for him and how it strengthened our relationship and actually kept it going longer than it should have.
Oh how I miss him, but because I love myself more than I wanted the relationship I left it. I left it because I felt that to continue sent signals to him that it was alright for him to keep lying to ‘her; alright to make promises and constantly break them…no call, no show, no explanation. I was supposed to accept that??? Why? Why would any self-respecting person put up with such contempt or value of their time? The thing is, no SELF respecting person would. I put very little expectation into this relationship because he lied to me from the very beginning of it. Because I had just ended a very abusive relationship and need validating I put up with it. I traded sex for companionship. I traded sex for conversation. I did as many women do, I traded sex for validation.
It is said the lesson will keep coming to you until you learn it. I broke it off with this lover many times before. What makes today different? I REMEMBERED the lesson I had learned at the end of my marriage. I do not need anyone to validate me. I am worthy of love. I am worthy of truth. I am awesome & I know it. I am Strong. I am Powerful. I am Beautiful. All I NEED in this world is to remember that I am wonderfully made and my Creators love me more than I could ever ask or imagine. Now I say yes. Yes to me and yes to life.
Just last week my current roommates’ lover tried to set me up. He felt bad that I am alone. He equates being alone with lonely. I told him that I am not lonely and that I actually enjoy my own company. I am using this time to heal the wounds; to learn more about myself AND others. I am using this time to re-connect to the things that bring me joy. I am using this time to discover all the barriers within myself that keep me from having the love I deserve and the life I want to live. I feel good. Do I miss my lover? Hell yes! We had awesome sex and conversation. But in the end it was all built on lies. The lies he told and the lies I told myself. Never compromise your values. In the end you will be so unhappy with that decision. Be Impeccable With Your WORD.